Middle School Version |
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Middle School Version |
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Marin County Middle School Version
Script / Screenplay
Here's a little story about CARL and INGRID.
Two American kids,
growing up, on the grid.
Oh yeah, life goes on,
long after the Camp Fire has gone.
Oh yeah, life goes on,
Long after the smoke of November has gone.
They walk on.
INGRIDs gonna be, a drone
piloting star for now she gets
to school, riding in her Mom’s car.
Oh yeah, life goes on,
long after the CampFire has gone.
Oh yeah, life goes on,
Long after the smoke of November has gone.
They walk on.
CARL wants to be, a fire monk
someday, right now he wants to,
just go out and play.
Oh yeah, life goes on,
long after the CampFire
has gone. Oh yeah, life goes on,
long after the smoke of November
has gone They walk on.
Sipping on sodas, watching
the street. Kids sitting on
porch steps,
They’ve got big dreams
INGRID say, hey CARL, let’s earn some cash
Before these homes turn to ash.
Oh yeah, life goes on,
long after the CampFire
has gone. Oh yeah,
Life goes on,
long after the smoke of November
has gone. They walk on.
CARL sits back and reflects his thoughts for
a moment Clears his throat and does
his best, Fire Monk INGRID say,
Well you know CARL, we could earn some money
CARL comes back, Sis, that sounds like fun.
You know INGRID, I could trim some trees
And Dolly could graze down, all of those weeds INGRID say
Oh yeah, life goes on,
long after the Camp Fire has gone Oh yeah, life goes on,
long after the smoke of November
has gone. They walk on.
Gonna find some
work Gonna earn
some dough We’re
gonna come
and save your home.
Your teens will come
Don’t you mind Jacky Paper
grew up and left his dragon behind
Oh yeah, life goes on,
long after the Camp Fire has
gone Oh yeah, life goes on,
long after the smoke of November
has gone. They walk on.
Little story about CARL and INGRID.
Two American kids, growing up, on the grid.
END OF THE INTRO SONG
| Carl & Ingrid Theme Song mp3 Sung by Sergio Togliatti & Produced by Jim Newsom. With thanks to John Mellencamp. mp3 file |
Screenplay Credit: Dan Suleimanov
Foreword: The goal of this video is to encourage kids in grades 5-8 to enter the training and an education pipeline for the jobs of tomorrow that will help us...
This video contains at least six scientific principles of conservation and is designed to dovetail with a teachers lesson plan in conservation biology, environmental science, and history. Learning objectives include critical thinking activities around the Socratic Seminar. The takeaway is the desire to set personal goals for training, education, and achievement. Key results include a willingness to learn, train and work for the betterment of oneself, humanity, and nature.
The general public's comments and criticisms are always welcome but please be aware that the dialog is designed for the unique mix of sportsmen, fishermen, birdwatchers and environmentalists on the Marin County Fish & Game Commission who have the power to fund this video project at the upcoming March meeting. I will offer them blanket " red pencil" authority to change this script as they see fit and ask for permission to film on private property in front yards, kitchens, workshops and creeks.
I used to describe this video as an answer to a billion-dollar environmental problem. I was wrong. This video is the first step towards solving a trillion-dollar problem.
Synopsis: Two ambitious pre-teen kids earn some pocket money doing home improvements and get some good advice from their neighbors before spending their money.
This is a bookend scene…. the other is located at the tail end of the script
FADE IN:
NARRATOR
In the wake of the Irving Fire, which screeched to a halt just yards from this typical American home here in Marin County, let's check the state of environmental literacy and civic responsibility, by talking to these two typical American youngsters, chosen at random. We talked to their parents earlier today and they are watching a live feed on the TV.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me, young lady. I'm PAUL Quintera with Cannonball Express TV. We tell it like it is. Is this gentleman your younger brother?
INGRID
Yeah, I'm two years older. His
name is CARL. Take a sip from a
bottle of orange soda.
INTERVIEWER
INGRID, do you remember how hot
and smoky it was last November...
after the fire in Paradise?
INGRID
(dryly)
Like I was expecting an oxygen
mask to drop from the ceiling...
INTERVIEWER
Really?
CARL
(Cutting in)
I heard that the monks at the Zen Center smelled the smoke and quicker than dry lightning, set up pumps, laid out hoses, and cleared brush.
INTERVIEWER
(coughs twice….struggling to keep a straight
face)
And so?
CARL
They saved their temple and outbuildings. I want to be a fire monk when I grow up. with determination. It won't be as much fun as building and launching model rockets but at least I'll get to sleep in.
CARL
Channeling the Zen Center spokesman. "Fire will not be a stranger to me. I will meet the fire, let it come to me, make friends with it and tame it as it reaches our boundaries.” Did you know that Governor Brown was in a Jesuit seminary in the late 1950’s, studying to be a fire monk?
INGRID
Clearly unimpressed with her brothers career goals. You’ve been reading that fake news on the web again, haven’t you? And I'd like to be a spotter plane pilot for CalFire, so I can direct the 747 air tanker drops and spit out the window better than dad does. Hochtour! Spitting in the gutter that will be $60,000 for that bright orange phlegm by the way.
CUT TO: parents laughing in front of the TV
CARL
(laughs)
I'll pay you on Tuesday. Because when I'm a fire monk, the plants of the hills will talk to me...for free.... Eloquently not in human speech but in smells and taste and touch Then I’ll run for Governor.
INGRID
You're so full of it. Gavin will
kick your butt at the polls.
INTERVIEWER
visibly aghast at this
uninhibited, rapid-fire dialog.
INGRID
Listen, last November, all I could smell and the taste was smoke from the fires...
INTERVIEWER
(authoritatively)
Now about that smoke, INGRID...
CARL (interrupting)
I didn't inhale. You always do.
INTERVIEWER
(Turning to the cameraman and silently mouthing the words)
Cut Cut!while drawing his finger across his throat
Cameraman ignores his insistent pleas
INGRID
(continues)
Yeah Bill, Right! Seriously My
teacher, Mr Ramos told us, "All
that smoke and gas from the
fires...oak leaves, 18,000 burning
houses, synthetic carpets and
garage shelves full of paint,
pesticide and fertilizer... that
only represented about one half of
one percent of the 470 million
tons of California's 2017 CO2
contribution to global
catastrophe."
(softly)
Some of that dirt is from Mom and Dads commute to work.
CARL
Oh my God...yeah
INGRID
Ramos told us about the atmosphere of this planet... Is thinner than the skin of an apple.
CARL
I don't believe it.
INTERVIEWER
CARL, is that an indictment of the state of American education?
INGRID
(interrupting)
You'll have Mr. Ramos next year.
Then you'll understand.
CARL
Are they gonna help with the bio blitz count again? I'd like to count bears. I'll just nail some sardine cans to tree trunks 6 feet off the ground and set up motion cams. Black bears will walk for miles into the wind for a sardine snack... sniffing the air the whole way. They'll leave the sardine can on the ground like a wrinkled candy wrapper... with tooth marks on it. They say it's only a matter of time before homeowners in West Marin need to buy bear-proof garbage cans. Those bears from the Wine Country are gonna drift south sooner or later.
INGRID
I think so too. I'll put your bear pictures up on your FaceBook page. I'll bet most of them will be young males... Doing their walkabout Cruising around, covering maybe 75 miles a day, looking for a primo piece of territory that is already claimed by some big male. Trying really hard to avoid getting jumped. The young females are smarter... They'll stay in touch with Mom, forming a territory that overlaps with their Moms, like links on a chain.
CARL
Oh yeah? ! When I do my walkabout, it's gonna be on a Harley and I'm gonna cover 500 miles a day and see Graceland and Vegas. I’m gonna light out for the territories.
INGRID
(Ignoring the INTERVIEWER)
You
ain't nothin but a hound dog.
CARL
Sis. What happens in Vegas stays
in Vegas.
INGRID
Wear your helmet... Idiot.
CARL
Yours too.
The conversation pauses
INTERVIEWER
(attempting to wrap up the interview)
And there you have it…The last
word on environmental literacy.
INGRID
(rolling right along)
I've never seen so much excitement as the night of the big fire. I wasn't quite awake but I could have walked out by myself.
CARL
I didn't even have time to grab my iPad before Mom hauled me out of the House.
INGRID
Thank God it was still there when we came back.
CARL
For sure. I had my homework in
there.
INGRID
I meant the house, knucklehead. It makes me feel guilty sometimes. There were homes newer than ours and built with more modern building codes and 80% of those homes went up in smoke anyway. One McMansion over there by Samuel Taylor State Park was brand spanking new and it threw flying embers for over an hour… creating a domino effect down the hill.
CARL
Just dumb luck if you ask me.
INGRID
And some water from our neighbor’s house when it started snowing big fat glowing embers from all those burning McMansions.
CARL
Well, those rain gutters are clean now. Dad cleaned them.
INGRID
Close the barn doors now that the horses are gone.
INTERVIEWER
INGRID, does it worry you that
this kind of weather might be the
new normal and more fires might be
in store for Northern California?
INGRID
Worry? Do you want to worry? I'll give you worry!...Do you see that fan palm tree that needs trimming? That will go up like that old horse barn. That leaf-covered wood shake roof over there? How did it survive? That weedy front yard? That spells trouble.
CARL
Yeah.
INGRID
I think we can earn some pocket
money doing that work.
SMART TRAIN ROLLS BACK ON TRACK,WITH A HORN - FX
INGRID
(annoyed by the whistle)
I gotta make some money this Summer. I'm gonna rent out Dads retired research sheep, " Dolly" to the neighbors who need their yards grass grazed down to reduce the fire danger. Well save money on feed and it will prevent windblown weeds seeds from landing in their raised bed vegetable gardens. And then Im gonna buy an electric scooter.
CARL
Ok. And I'm gonna borrow Dad's loppers, hand saw, wheelbarrow and ladder and make some money, cleaning out rain gutters, raking pine needles and trimming trees.
INTERVIEWER
And there you have it from the
streets of Marin County.
Kids get up from the front steps
INGRID
We'll be back in a couple of
minutes. Stay tuned.
INTERVIEWER
hmm. that was my line. And we ll be back with an undercover investigation into child labor in America.
FADE OUT:
DOORBELL RINGS TWICE...AFTER FEW SECONDS, DOOR OPENS - FX
INGRID
Good afternoon Mr. TREVOR.
TREVOR
Well hello Miss INGRID. Nice
ahhhh, camera crew and
ahh....er... sheep you got there.
INGRID
jerking her thumb in his direction
This is PAUL from Cannonball Express TV
INTERVIEWER
I'm PAUL and this is Bob.
TREVOR
Hi PAUL , hi Bob.
INGRID
And this is Dolly. It might be just a co-ink-a-dink but she's hungry and you ve got a yard full of nutritious and flammable grass.
TREVOR
Well, you're right about that.
Mildly suspicious What have you
got in Mind?
INGRID
Dolly will graze down your grass and tomorrow is brush chipping day. You and CARL can stack your tree branches and stuff by the curb and tomorrow they'll chip it and haul it away.
TREVOR
I forgot about that. Good idea.
PAUL
Here's a model release form to
signHands clipboard with form and pen to TREVOR
INGRID
CARL, Dolly and I will make your house more fire safe. You pay us what it's worth and well split it.
CARL
Yeah, Fifty Fifty.
TREVOR
Ok. Let me turn off the TV and get my shoes on. I'll be out in a minute.
INGRID.
just how much taxable
income do you think you'll earn
here?
INGRID
Enough to keep CARL out of my piggy bank. How much you wanna bet when he is 30 he starts doing the Peter Fonda workout?
PAUL
What’s that?
INGRID
Hell chug a beer, light up a smoke and jog over to his sisters and ask for money.
PAUL
How long has he been a mooch?
INGRID
Since he was born. Scoundrel!
TREVOR exits the front door.
INTERVIEWER
As you can see here, CARL and
TREVOR are hard at work. No "New
hire packet" No social security
cards. No red tape. Cold hard
cash. So..., CARL hauled the branches to the curb that TREVOR had cut. Swept and bagged up the twigs and pine needles that TREVOR grabbed out of the rain gutter and handed up pieces of the pre-cut, quarter-inch screen, brads, and the hammer, to TREVOR, on the ladder, to keep the windblown leaves and burning embers out of the attic.
Meanwhile, INGRID unleashed her million-dollar research sheep, "Dolly" on the front yard.
INGRID
(to the INTERVIEWER)
This cloned miracle of biomedical engineering and former bold leader in diabetes research is outstanding in her field AND now protecting our homeland from terrorist weed invaders. Go figure. Botany factoid #1
TREVOR
Ok, that's enough for one day. I had the professionals take out a dead live oak in the back yard last year and it cost me an arm and a leg. The sudden oak death syndrome killed it and I wanted it removed before the branches came down on my head. I think a lot of trees and plants in this neighborhood are living with the pathogen. It is just making the whole urban forest a little more crispy. These trees are going to have to evolve to live with that bug because it is everywhere and in everything, especially the bay laurel trees. They’re like the Typhoid Mary of the forest. They carry the disease and spread it but dont die from it themselves. "Dry winter curtails fatal disease in oak trees" Article by Guy Kovner. Published 10/15/2018
Plant pathology and Botany factoids # 1 & 2
INGRID
Is that why these fires burn so
hot?
TREVOR
Some foresters think so. My tree cutters wouldn't even haul away the oak wood they cut here, because of the pathogen. They didn't want to spread it to other oaks. So I had them machine split and hand stack it well away from the house and I tarped the whole cord for the winter.
Botany factoids #3 & 4
CARL
Did you put up all those deer
antlers on the garage there?
TREVOR
No. The homesteaders were the deer hunters. I just left them there. The oldest ones are near the door where the family did their butchering. Do you see how the oldest ones have the widest spread? The most recent ones are from brush bucks, with antlers that helped them move through thick brush. The deer evolved to survive their environment. The ones that got their antlers stuck in the brush were the most likely to get eaten by the cougars. Their environment changed, long-dormant
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genes got turned on through epigenetics and the deer adapted to it.
CARL
And now with the big fires, their horns will start to widen out so they can fight better
TREVOR
Sure. Within two generations.
That’s about six years, which
isn’t very long in human terms.
CARL
Don't forget any of your tools.
INGRID
... If anyone asks for a
reference you can put me down... I'll tell you you did a good job. And you might try asking Carson, next door, if he'd like his ground-mounted solar panels cleaned. That would give him an extra 10% yield. Career factoid #2
Renewable Energy factoid #1
INGRID
Thanks, TREVOR.
TREVOR
Here's some cash. Don't spend it
all on college savings bonds. Child psychology factoid #1
INGRID & CARL
Thanks! We won't.
INGRID (to CARL)
See ya later Alligator.
CARL (to INGRID)
In a while crocodile.
TREVOR's wife MURIEL appears on the front step
MURIEL
INGRID, would you like to come in for a glass of lemon iced tea? I'll get some for the camera crew here in a minute.
INGRID
Well, yeah, I'm kinda thirsty. Can I leave Dolly here to chew her cud? Animal husbandry factoid #1
MURIEL
That's fine.
FADE OUT:
INT. KITCHEN INTERIOR - INGRID sits down at the table.
MURIEL delivers drinks to camera crew
MURIEL
That's a nice sheep you have
there...
INGRID
Yeah... That’s Dolly. She put in her 4 years at my dad's biotech company in Berkeley and when they learned all they could from her, she was put out to pasture at our place... We put a chicken wire roof over her pen when someone reported seeing a mountain lion a few blocks away. We didn't want to lose her to a predator. Wildlife Biology factoid #3
MURIEL
Good idea.... because the mountain
lions are evolving to live in
suburbia. What field of research
is your dad in?
INGRID
Diabetes research. They are
working with investors on a new
approach trying to jump-start the
human pancreas with stem cells. Bioscience factoid #1
MURIEL
That sounds promising. My doctor
has told me that I'm at risk for
adult-onset diabetes. Medical factoid # 1
INGRID
Well, their drug is somewhere in
the FDA drug approval pipeline. Bioscience factoid #2
MURIEL
A lot of things are in our family's pipeline. I asked TREVOR to get an old suitcase down from the loft in the garage so I can grab it and go, in the event of a wildfire emergency...I'll put a new toothbrush in it, some medications, a change of clothes and a copy of our fire insurance policy Plus some pictures of each
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room in the house, so we can itemize our losses after the house goes up in smoke.
INGRID
What happens if you can't itemize everything?
MURIEL
then we only may get 75% of the value of the policy and that doesn't take into account, a realistic figure per square foot, of what it will take to rebuild a house of similar size, from the ground up. Most people never upgrade their insurance policies to take that into account and there is no law that says the insurance companies have to make those sales calls.
INGRID
So you get nothing for pain and
suffering?
MURIEL
Not a dime. And it hurts when you have to place a value on irreplaceable things like a wedding dress or your old high school yearbooks.
INGRID
So where would you go with your
suitcase?
MURIEL
We might camp out in the parking lot at the shopping center. Every hotel room for miles around would be booked solid if our whole neighborhood burned. There's emergency money available but it takes months and months to get the insurance companies to cough up a settlement check. So there'd be a real cash flow problem there for a while and a lot of hard decisions to make.
INGRID
Wow! I never thought about this.
MURIEL
Well, if the fire is coming, be the first on your block to evacuate and avoid all the crazies driving down the wrong side of the street, getting in accidents, brandishing guns and causing gridlock.
INGRID
Musing.... zombies on the loose.
Where would you go?
MURIEL
A coffee shop with wi-fi, I guess. As long as it's out of the path of the fire. TREVOR and I would probably be couch surfing for a couple days... With friends and family. Then we'd probably be living in an RV or trailer park for a while. But if you escape with your life, that's the most important thing I can't fit into that old wedding dress anyway.
INGRID
But you'd rebuild on your lot
here, wouldn't you?
MURIEL
I'd like to.... Heavy Sigh I'd
like to put solar panels on the new house and put in a sunroom... Rebuild with the most fire-resistant techniques. You'd probably be up and gone by that time. Young people can bounce back after a financial fall, better than us old folks. You can find a new place to live, a new job, a new partner. Im resilient
INGRID
But not bulletproof.
MURIEL
Right.
INGRID
Would you like to walk Dolly home with me and get some exercise? We can stop by the creek and Dolly can get a drink of water and eat some watercress.
MURIEL
Sure let me grab my house keys,
say goodbye to TREVOR and give
some lemon ice tea to the TV
crew...
Exit stage left.
MURIEL
Do you see how high the creek got last winter? Look at the driftwood tangled around that tree trunk.
INGRID All that land burned gesturing up there last October.
MURIEL It's coming back nicely with the
help of the FBI.
INGRID
FBI?
MURIEL
Fungi, Bacteria, and
Invertebrates. The riparian zone
around this creek was a natural
fire break but the fire spotted
across it anyway. That probably
wouldn't have happened if the
settlers around here had learned
to use fire as masterfully as the
Indians. The overly dense forests
and heavy fuel loads just wouldn't
have been there.
INGRID
I noticed that the eucalyptus is
coming back.
MURIEL
That's what they redesigned to
do…. come right back after a
fire...They’ve evolved to spread fire and thrive from the disturbance in the forest. When a wildfire is fueled by a eucalyptus grove, it won't slow down until it gets tired. Add a little bit of climate change and a fire can really take off.
INGRID
struggling with Dolly’s leash,
something else won't slow down
until it gets tired…. like this
stupid sheep.
MURIEL
You shouldn't curse an animal that has given us so much.
INGRID
Like wool socks, lamb chop?
SHEEP BLEATING - FX
MURIEL
Like this country. The Indians had no domesticated animals. Like cows, sheep, goats, and chickens. And never caught their diseases...
INGRID
Like what?
MURIEL
Mumps, measles, chickenpox, smallpox, tuberculosis. The passing of The Indian way of life in the early 1800s had more to do with germs and lack of resistance to disease, than guns and steel.
History factoid #5
medical factoid #6
INGRID
I never thought of it that way.
MURIEL
The Indians didn't have honey to eat until the padres brought up Italian queens and hives from Mexico. The Indians called them, " the white man's flies"...The native pollinators are still here but it's hard to beat a hardworking European honey bee.
INGRID
And now the worker honeybees are sick and getting lost far from the hive.
MURIEL
Sickness is part of life.
Sometimes an illness which has
been around forever... suddenly
becomes an epidemic when people
are crowded together for the first
time. Think of the early
mud-walled cities in the Fertile
Crescent in the Middle East. A
virus could travel like wildfire
through an unvaccinated
population, by people coughing or
even traveling as a sexually
transmitted infection.
INGRID
Ewww.
MURIEL
You know how men are...
INGRID
My brother is a pig.
MURIEL
So was TREVOR until I tamed him a little.
INGRID
Was he a rascal?
MURIEL
Oh yeah. We went to Vegas for our
honeymoon and...
INGRID
(interrupting)
And what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
MURIEL
Exactly. So don't give up on men. Some men are like Indians. They have no cultural resistance to alcohol. An Eskimo has 200 words for snow. We have 200 words for getting drunk. Go figure.
MURIEL
The bottom line is that people and ecosystems need clean water. If house cats use a sandy creek bottom for a litter box and pass their toxoplasmosis on to sea otters, the otters will have seizures and die, which means nothing is eating the sea urchins, which means the kelp beds disappear, removing protective cover for salmon and steelhead trout, while they’re waiting for the mouths of the creeks to open with the first rains of winter...And if there is wholesale, mechanized logging going on at the same time, that trashes the spawning beds, then the whole watershed can be soon deprived of tons of sea bring protein and any animal that would eat a fish egg or a dead salmon, is robbed of a meal...Throw in some gravel mining, some pesticide use and some market hunting and pretty soon you have a silent spring.
INGRID
And if there are wild pigs rolling in the creek mud and cows pooping in it...then the creek...
MURIEL
Then the water won't be safe for
anybody to drink either. (sighing)
In the old days, wells were often contaminated with sewage from outhouses too close by. Beer was expensive and not everybody can drink milk past childhood. Some people are lactose intolerant. They can't even eat pizza because the cheese makes them sick. The human gene that has spread the fastest is the gene that gives adults the ability to digest milk. And the Indians didn't have it and the white man kept hitting them over the head with blocks of cheddar. No wonder they turned to drink. They had traumatic brain injuries.
INGRID
The story goes that when my Mom was expecting CARL, she told Dad to empty the litter box. Now I know why. And we had our dog Rocky vaccinated against distemper… because distemper can cross species boundaries and shouldn’t be released to infect wild animals.
MURIEL
Like coyotes, foxes and raccoons.
INGRID
Well, I like cheese and pizza but
I don't want to make a career out
of it. I don’t know what I want….a
career, a house, a husband and
kids.
MURIEL
Life is competitive around here
and houses are expensive. If
you're lucky and you work hard,
you might have two of those. The
question is….which two do you
want?
INGRID
I dunno. Thoughtfully Your career can go up in smoke just like a house. Your husband can cheat on you.
MURIEL
Then pay attention. Don’t forget
to get married. Don't forget the
maintenance on yourself.
INGRID
Changing the subject I'm gonna get contacts so I don't need glasses.
MURIEL
And I'm going to lose these love
handles.
INGRID
Well, good luck.
MURIEL
You too kiddo. And take good care of Dolly.
MURIEL exits stage right
NARRATOR
INGRID said her goodbyes to MURIEL, put Dolly back in her pen, checked her bank balance on her cell phone and walked to the nearest fireplug to sit down. With the world's fastest thumbs, INGRID soon ordered a drone, on-line, with free drone delivery. Soon, a brown cardboard box was sitting next to the fireplug with INGRID's new drone inside. Almost without realizing it, INGRID had just made one of the first great dramatic decisions of her life.
NARRATOR
CARL took his share of the pay from INGRID and made a beeline for MERLIN's shop, where he bought a
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FADE OUT:
wizard's wand placing cash on the wine barrel head from MERLIN, the tinker and wood carving artist, down the street. Note: the magic wand is a " McGuffin" like Bogarts statuette in the Maltese Falcon, that moves the story along.
KNOCKING ON THE DOOR OF THE SHED - FX
CARL
Are you home MERLIN?
MERLIN
Oh, it's you, CARL. Come on in and leave the door propped open. How ya doing?
CARL
Pretty good. I've been working hard showing off a handful of ones and fives I want to buy a wand. Like Harry Potter uses. Slaps down cash on the lid of a wine barrel. Did you see the last Harry Potter movie?
MERLIN
No. I think I missed it when it came out. The wand? I think we can do that. Taking the ones and
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handing back a five Why dont you pull up a chair? Would you like a soda?
CARL
Sure. thanks. Snaps it open
MERLIN
I was just working on this chain
saw...
CARL
Giving it an oil change?
MERLIN
Nah... It's a two-stroke engine. It is designed to run right side up or upside down so it can never drown in its own crankcase oil. The rebuilds are more frequent but it's a simple engine with less overhead. I'm just sharpening the chain and cleaning out the bugs, sawdust, and leaves from the air filter...
CARL
That's neat.
MERLIN
These bugs.... Have been removed
from the gene pool...
MERLIN
Rummaging through a barrel of sticks and rods
I think this dowel will do the
job.
NARRATOR
Working at a leisurely pace among the detritus of a career spent in mechanical engineering, home computers, car repairs and antiques collecting,
MERLIN
set up the lathe and talked to CARL about his antique Wheatstone bridge, demonstrated his log rolling peavey tool and hinted about the ghosts that might still roam the fields at night. He painted a vivid and colorful picture of intrepid Spanish explorers
MERLIN strikes a bold pose with his walking stick traumatized Indians.wiping a tear, brave soldiers pointing the dowel like a gun
MERLIN
Interrupting his own story with tongue in cheek humor
My granddaddy killed every last Indian in the West And for what?
CARL
(giggles)
....and pious Padres
MERLIN
Lifts his eyes skyward and holds his hands in fervent prayer
Cimarron mustangs and wild hogs, proud gauchos with lariats and braided sombreros, fierce grizzly bears, magnificent mountain lions, huge flocks of ducks and geese, great herds of noble elk and longhorn cattle that roamed the whole county.
MERLIN
Snapping back to reality
Did I ever tell you my La Honda
story?
CARL
I don't think so. Where is La
Honda?
MERLIN
Across the Golden Gate and over the hills from Redwood City, out towards San Gregorio, in the coastal hills out in the redwood forest of San Mateo County. They call it, "The Guild", but it's a homeowner association with about 250 houses. It will probably burn
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someday with climate change, drought and longer fire seasons. Sighs
CARL
Can they do anything about it?
MERLIN
The land around La Honda hasn't burned in a hundred years. You look at the photographs taken in the 1930s and wow, the grasslands in the backgrounds have just disappeared. The forest is a lot denser than it used to be….and who
wants to pay for thinning public land? There's plenty of people in the "Tea" Party who think they're "taxed enough already". Wildfire used to give the native grasses the upper hand in its million year battle against brush. Now, the fire department has handed the land to brush and too late, realizes their mistake.
CARL
So what would you do if you still lived in La Honda?
MERLIN
I dunno. I'd probably rake up the oak leaves into a big haystack of
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a pile, mix in some bags of coffee grounds, toss in some enzyme pellets, water it down with the hose and compost them. And I'd probably pay to have some guy with a leaf blower do the hilly portions. I work with my neighbors to trim off the lower branches of the trees. And we'd probably pay some guy to haul them away or run them through a brush chipper. And I'd tell the County Fire Safe Council to tie in a network of low fuel zones to the highway and the power line right of ways….just so that the volunteer fire department would have options in the event of a major fire coming up the valley or blowing down the ridge. And they'd probably find a way to make the Guild pay for it, so my dues would go up. You know, some people actually choose to live in the past because it's cheaper there.
MERLIN
Anyway, in the past, which is lost and gone forever, my older brother Dave, God rest his soul, had a friend named Andy Koval. Now Andy's dad worked construction and they built a small pond with concrete in their backyard. It had
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a stream and waterfall feature, which we thought was pretty cool for a brand new subdivision built at the bottom of a huge quarry, without any surviving trees or topsoil, much less wildlife...
So Andy's dad would take Andy to La Honda to get critters for the pond crayfish, polliwogs, toads and minnows, using dip nets and buckets. And sometimes Dave would go along for the ride. Dave told me about it and so I always thought of La Honda as this deep, dark, mysterious place in the redwoods.
MERLIN
Now as I got older, I was through La Honda a thousand times. Going to summer camp. Going to the beach with my family. On my Harley. And then one day, a friend invited me to church and I met this beautiful blond from La Honda. And by and by she invited me to come see her at her house in La Honda. And so, I got a block and a half off the main drag and there it was Reflection Pond.
MERLIN
Now, I've lived in San Mateo County my whole life and ya know, it only took me 45 years to figure out where Andy and Dave had been going, all those years ago. I didn't even know the Guild existed.
(Sternly)
Don't call me slow, CARL.
CARL
(giggles)
Don't worry. I won't.
MERLIN
I was kind of a speed demon on motorcycles when I was young. Do you see those burned out pistons there? There's no compression if the top caves in. I cast them myself until I found just the right alloys of exotic metals. The frames of old racing bicycles worked pretty well. My pistons evolved as I got better with the metallurgy.
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MERLIN
(Continues)
Those pistons were sacrifices to the “Gods of Speed. Anyway, I learned about drive chains, clutches and cables from fixing my bike and found work as an electronics technician for $8 an hour fixing drive chains, clutches, and cables on office photocopy machines. The work I could handle, it was the customers that drove me nuts. I met some cute girls at the biker bar in La Honda but I didn't meet my sweet wife until I was strongly encouraged to attend church. Like, this guy had done some skilled work for me and I couldn't really say "" And then, when I retired from my job in Silicon Valley, we found this place, sold our house in Sunnyvale to DINKS...
CARL
Dinks?
MERLIN
Dual Income No Kids. Money coming out of their ears. They crunched my beautiful house and rebuilt almost from a bare lot, I couldn't believe my own eyes... and we moved in here. You were just a toddler then. My wife liked the raised bed garden and I liked the workshop and...thank God for the fire didn't get us. Losing one the house was bad enough... Even though we knew the demolition was coming. It was " just a remodel" because they left the front wall of the house intact.
A couple of these barn boards in the walls still have the logging company stamp on them. They were dumped off the wagons into the bay at the Port of Redwood City, mixed with planks from a couple of different logging outfits and rafted North with the tide to the San Francisco waterfront.
Eventually, they were sorted out by the company, stacked in a lot to dry out and sold. I guess they became part of a warehouse South of Market or something And when it was dismantled, the wood was in such good condition....they saved
the planks and beams shipped them to Sausalito and reassembled some of it here. That soak in the salty bay water really helped preserve the wood.
No self-respecting termite will touch it. That's why the Stradivarius violins from Cremona, Italy produced such fine music. It was the saltwater bath. Hmmm. Let me put a mike on this wand, I want to get the feng shui just right. It should be balanced in your hand like a Colt Peacemaker.
CARL
What's that?
MERLIN
They called the 1862 model
six-shooter, " the gun that won
the West" American History factoid #2
Except that a lot of buckaroos put a rolled-up dollar bill in the top chamber so it wouldn't go off when they got butterfingers and dropped it. You know there's nothing like a sudden gunshot to spook a horse into running for a mile or two. Channeling Dirty Harry" Well buckaroo, have I fired five shots or six? So the question you should be asking yourself is " Do I feel lucky today? Well do ya punk?"
CARL
I always feel lucky. Changing the subject So what's a buckaroo?
MERLIN
The Yankee cowboys couldn't say "vaquero"... From “vaca” for cow. And so it became "buckaroo" A young and obnoxious buckaroo was a punkaroo, I guess. linguistics factoid #1
You've been through Vacaville on 80?
CARL
Yeah, lots of times.
MERLIN
Vacaville was the original one horse, jerk water, cowtown, where the engineer on the steam locomotive would yank on a rope to pull the water chute down from the water tower, to refill the tank. And it would really get filled fast. Did you ever see one of
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those old black and white Harold Lloyd movies where the guy gets doused from the chute? It clean knocked him down. That guy was lucky he didn't break his own neck. Anyway, out in the Central Valley Coaling station " A" became Coalinga because coal was a better fuel to have at the water stops than cordwood… which disappeared fast from the riparian groves alongside the rivers. There was a coal mine on the slopes of Mt Diablo many years ago but it wasn't the rock hard, high quality, Kentucky mined anthracite coal that was good for smelting iron. And they pulled a lot of sand out of there too, for making cement. Geology factoid #1 Metallurgy factoid #1 history factoid #6
They used soft brown coal for the trains. I dunno. There's a museum there now and a pioneer cemetery full of kids that died really young. Poor things. They never knew what hit them. I think they'll take you a short distance into the mine on tours now, to look at the sand galleries.
MERLIN
You know, when we wanted to put solar PV panels on the roof, the solar company said we had to reroof this old house. So they pulled off 5 layers of shingles, about an inch and a half thick, weighing about a ton... It filled a whole dumpster. figure a new roof every 25 years or so, one layer on top of the next … and the oldest layer was attached to the rafters with hand-forged, square-headed nails.I got a whole coffee can of them. Here, you can have one.
History factoid #3
CARL
This is like...old. Looking at it closely and placing it in his shirt pocket
MERLIN
Those nails are a lot older than I am. Sometimes you have a clean slate when you work on stuff. And sometimes there are legacy issues. PG&E has a lot of legacy issues to
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deal with like uninsulated high voltage wires and natural gas pipes starting to rust out. Engineering and infrastructure factoid #1
The QWERTY phenomena with typewriter keyboards are a legacy issue. That one is famous. Old natural gas pipelines blowing up in San Bruno, when you ramp up the pressure. Hydro dams designed to catch snowmelt, not rainwater, in a warming world. A grid designed for a single power station, not a power station on every roof. Legacy problems. A real headache, or a ”design consideration” depending on your attitude.
MERLIN
Speaking about headaches. Do you see that motherboard and CPU hanging up there? It's another sacrifice to the “Gods of Speed”. I overclocked the CPU and accidentally got the dip switch settings wrong on the motherboard. Toast! It's an Intel Pentium II CPU and I used the settings for an AMD chip. Duh!
CARL
Was it fast?
MERLIN
You never heard of the Pentium II? Suppressing a smile It’s the chip that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs. It didn’t look like much, but it had it where it counted.
CARL
What a parsec?
MERLIN
Forget it kid, I'm rolling!
And when it fried...there was this smell of burned money that just hung in the air. It was horrible. Even the traces on the motherboard cooked. It smelled almost as bad as the aftermath of the CampFire.
CARL
And that was bad.
MERLIN
Anyway, don't worry about trying to understand today's CPUs or the grid. They are now far beyond the complexity of a single human mind. eural science factoid #1
Kid! Remember Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Just don't let the Russians hack into the grid or you'll be sitting in the dark with everybody else waiting for the wildfires to start. Hacking has been weaponized... Political science factoid #1 computer factoid #1
MERLIN
We've got old school knob and tube electrical wiring here in the shed. Do you see it there behind the drywall? See the bone-white ceramic insulator? We put Romex in the house when we remodeled because it's safer. Contractors went to the plastic-coated copper wire in the late 50s. Knob and tube is a legacy system and there's still lots of it out there in older houses and outbuildings that electricians have to deal with.
Career factoid #1
I've still got my old glass electrical meter with the spinning pinwheel so PG&E cant hit me with Time of Use rates. So I can do laundry anytime I want. They offered me a fancy Smart Meter and I declined it. I told myself that I'd have to make myself a tinfoil hat if they did that. They can send out a meter reader guy every month, until the day I'm dead and gone. Anyway, Mill Valley neglected their legacy of wildfires, forgot the story of the great fire of 1926 , which burned almost down to Throckmorton and rebuilt in the same footprint in a big way. History factoid #5
And now the challenge is to keep that hillside and valley from burning again. History may not always repeat itself but it does rhyme. I think ALL those people at City Hall should be wearing tin foil hats.
NARRATOR
Taking off his reading glasses and satisfied with the measurements on the micrometer, MERLIN then
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resumed weaving colorful stories around Yankee loggers from the forests of Maine, astounded at the height of the coast redwoods and scratching their heads at the challenge, daring rum runners during prohibition Hauling crates of booze in hay wagons on the backroads, Ken Kesey with his band of Merry Pranksters in La Honda, learning to grow powerful weed groovy and pioneering filmmakers pioneers in Niles Canyon. History factoids’ 6-12
MERLIN
Have you ever heard about somebody having Lou Gehrig's disease?
CARL
Yeah, some Lady at church had it.
She called it ALS.
MERLIN
Well, Lou Gehrig was a great baseball player in the 1930s who played over 3,000 games without missing a single one. They called him "The Iron Horse" and you didn't want to be a minor league player in the Yankee farm system coming up behind Lou Gehrig,
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because you'd never have a chance to go to the show. The doctors X-rayed his hands at the end of his career and revealed that he broke all of his fingers several times, playing the infield and catching smoking fast line drives with a crummy leather glove. But he never complained and never missed a game. He batted near 300 for most of his career. And he had his bats custom made. So one day he complains to the coach that they don't feel right in his hands. So the general manager miked em. The handles were too big, by 5 thousands of an inch and so they did another batch of bats for him on the lathe, more carefully. Do you know that a lathe is the only machine that can reproduce itself? That won't be true for much longer though, the way that things are going. MERLIN makes a fine adjustment on the lathe.
Anyway, medicine was pretty primitive in those days and they couldn't help Lou Gehrig. It was a genetic problem. Neurological. And they really didn't understand it, much less have a treatment for it. They just knew what it was gonna do to his body in the end. And they had to tell him the truth. So the best doctors in the world treated him the best they could and they named the disease after him when he died. Medical factoid #3
People used to die from really simple things. You could die from a broken leg or a toothache. So a great athlete lost his ability to hit, throw and run, halfway through the season. It was a sad day when he retired and spoke to the crowd at Yankee Stadium and called himself the luckiest guy in the world. Sadly I'm on all kinds of pills, CARL. Dont do drugs. Floss your teeth. Take care of your health, kid. Like this wand, some things are one per customer.
NARRATOR
And you know, when MERLIN finished turning that plain wooden dowel on a jerry-rigged lathe it became more than a beautifully carved magic wand in reality, only a delicate souvenir of a magical moment between a curious young boy and a lucky old man.
MERLIN
Wave it once to see what once was... Wave it twice to see what could be, but beware the power of the wand…. not all things you wish will come to pass. And if you wish for something loud and fast, be sure it doesn't go any faster than your angels can fly.
NARRATOR
With that, MERLIN took the wand
out of the toaster oven...
MERLIN
Hot, hot, hot off the press... The point should be fire-hardened like the tip of an Indian spear... because the wand is mightier than the sword.
NARRATOR
So he torched the tip with a cigarette lighter, blew out the flame, quenched it in a tall beer can, wiped it down with a rag and, with a flourish, MERLIN presented the new wand to CARL. MERLIN
CARL... This is Excalibur…direct from the Lady of the Lathe. When you hear the sea breeze whispering
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softly in the pine trees, that's when your wand will be working its strongest magic.
CARL
Thanks, MERLIN. I'll be careful
with it. Bye MERLIN.
MERLIN
See you later CARL.
CARL exits the workshop.
FADE OUT:
This is a bookend scene to match the one at the beginning of the script
NARRATOR
CARL and INGRID met up after
dinner to eat ice cream outside
the corner store.
The camera pans to CARL's wand soaking in a water bottle surrounded by torn open and crumpled salt packets. INGRID's delicate new drone and joystick controller rests on the table.
NARRATOR
CARL and INGRID did a few other
homes in the neighborhood, that
summer and the next, keeping the
fire marshal and the insurance
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inspectors more or less satisfied. They cleaned ground-mounted solar panels arrays every chance they had. CARL used his wand to wish for an electric scooter but didn't get one until INGRID upgraded her ride to a well maintained and lightning-quick, bright red, 1976 Honda CB 750, with velocity stacks on the carburetor and a Kerker header. That bike screamed… and royally impressed her college boyfriend. CARL used to hand me down clothes and toys from his sister so it didn't bother him. He just put a few new stickers on it from the skateboard shop and rode it all over. Wearing a helmet. CARL and INGRID lived happily together, until INGRID, soon heartbreakingly beautiful and wearing contacts, went off to college and found freedom from her annoying little brother...although they still talk on the phone from time to time, sharing secrets as only siblings can.
FADE OUT: End of synopsis/script
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